Confetti balloons

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Confetti balloons!!! These are so fun and are going to look perfect for our new years eve party!!!!

Get these now with this link:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B076SJWDGD

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Late night thoughts.

She sat staring at her phone waiting for something to happen, a notification, some news update, anything really. It was getting late and she knew if she didn’t go to sleep soon she would regret her decision tomorrow. Unfortunately insomnia has a way of torturing its victims and so she continued staring at her phone. Time didn’t stop and the hours passed and soon it’d be time to wake the kids for school and head to work. Her days seemed to be on a loop and replayed the same routine over and over until finally a day off!!!

Ahhh, the realization that it’s only Tuesday and the week isn’t even close to being over.

Fast forward 2 years

Its been two years since I’ve updated anyone out there who decided to follow…

My dad died. Yeah, that happen. I had a baby. I got married. I’m still alive if anyone actually cared.

My dad shot himself sometime in January of last year. Shot himself. What a waste of life. I’ve had my different opinions on the subject from sadness from anger to confusion no matter it happen and I can’t change it.

Through the struggle of death I lost half my family along the way. My dad’s side royally disowned me haven’t heard from them since the last appearance of court my grandma set in motion. She’s just a greedy old bitty who lost her son and didn’t know how to handle her emotions. She chose money or family in the end and the closest thing she had to her son she disowned, pretty shitty in my book. A lot led up to that from arguments, court visits, lawyers, all unnecessary things. Grandma wanted everything she could get her hands on. I was my dads only child and as you remember my mom died so it all should go to me. Of course she wanted everything from his truck he bought, to land he had, to his funeral THAT SHE PICKED OUT paid for by me. She took me to court a handful of times wanting anything she could I never had a chance to grieve nor did she but I guess that’s how she chose to grieve.

Enough depressing let’s go a bit more forward I was pregnant when my dad died, 3 months I believe. Far enough that I had shared the gender with my father before his passing that always strikes me as crazy too, he knew he was going to have a grandson but still shot himself. Guess when your that depressed nothing really makes a difference.

My son was born. 6 months later I was married legally and had a beautiful wedding at the chapel my parents are buried at a few months after that.

Sometimes I wonder if I could tell myself at 16 to prepare to have no parents by the time I was 25 how I’d of responded. How could anyone respond to that I guess. I feel to young to not have parents but it is what it is you know eventually you kind of just forget what it feels like to have them. To have a mom. To have a dad. It become a distant memory that you have to dig really hard to remember. Some people get tripped the amount of time I got to have parents so I guess not everyone can relate.

Well 1 hour left til I’m at my destination.

Blankk.

Heroin strikes again.

I absolutely am still in shock over yet another loss in my family. Today we woke up to the news that my cousins life was stolen from an addictive drug, HEROIN. A year ago this month heroin also stole my sons fathers life and I just pray daily that I never have to be that parent waking up to a call that my son has over dosed on any kind of medicine.

I HATE DRUGS.

HATE!

With a passion, I wish drug dealers were off our streets and users had no access to these drugs but hat would be in a perfect world, and this by all means not a perfect world.

My cousin was taken from this world too soon, she had her whole life ahead of her she wasn’t even 21 yet.

I know its hard but if you or anyone you know is struggling with an addiction continue to tell them how much you love them and be as supportive as possible. Its all up to the addict in the end but everyone has a choice and sometimes I wonder if different words were shared and more support stayed strong throughout an addicts recovery would less relapses occur?

Going to sleep feeling numb.

-Blankk

Is there something inside of me..

The topic is pretty self-explanatory, its been a few months since I’ve blogged things have been looking up for me here lately..until now.

I’m a little on the leery side wondering if I may currently be pregnant. I missed a few pills not even a full month ago I thought I was fine, and I had also started a pill that was supposed to make my pill less effective and i got off of it. Now here I am 2 1/2 weeks after my last “time of the month” wondering if there could possibly be a chance that I’m well pregnant.

I wouldn’t have even been the slightest bit worried till i started showing similar early symptoms that I showed the last time I got pregnant and heck I’d even agree and say “Hey its all in your head” except the vivid dreams are so vivid I can keep a dream log and still recall such vivid dreams HOURS after being awake. Looking at my pills I have 12 days till my next “time of the month” I took several tests all saying negative but it’s too early to even know..

From the recent cramping, the dreams, soreness in my lower back, I’m beginning to get a bit worried and I had planned to keep all this from my boyfriend TIL he found a pregnancy test in my purse and asked when and why I had got it.

As much as I’d love to be pregnant, like LOVE, he doesn’t want that right now since he has two of his own plus my one makes 3. Were 25 (me) and 28 (him) and yes 4 kids would be an awful lot to take on but why does part of me secretly wish that maybe something might be growing inside of me.

I guess only time will tell, it doesn’t help I haven’t been taking my pills at the same time and forgetting a lot lately. Anyone else ever experience super early symptoms before they could even test? Am I crazy for deep down kind of hoping that I could be?

-Blankk

***************************************************

GET READY FOR BIZARE. I just went on “free online tarot reading” annnnd look what my second card said:

Card 2: What you want most right now »
The Empress
The cards suggest that at this time you desire comfort, security and happiness and may well need some emotional support and reassurance.

If you are considering having a baby the desire will be very strong at this time, or perhaps you are already pregnant and you have some concerns. If male, perhaps you are considering fatherhood with someone but have concerns.

Things will turn out fine, just know that you are loved and that there are people around you who care.

JUST, WOW!

-Blankk again

I went to see a Psychic/Medium

Haha what a title to start with but it’s what my post is about so why not. I decided to do something spontaneous and see a psychic/medium today. Do I think she was right…probably not but for $h!t$ and giggles I did it.

The psychic instantly picked up on me and my boyfriends troubles and I decided to use her like a councilor and actually confided in her with the situation. OH! while were on that topic I also talked to his ex-wife. Can you believe this…she actually agreed with me..100% and said she never even thought of it that way and told me it was inappropriate and she agrees and she said they both thought it was normal and didn’t even think of it that way and that that’s one place they shouldn’t be alone. Then she told me she definitely doesn’t want a personal key to his house because that’s also overstepping some boundaries. Kinda a little victory in my book that even she agreed. SO anyways back to my psychic/medium…she told me she could see my boyfriend and he has a very dominant personality but to stay  firm with my beliefs and not to budge because he doesn’t like to think he’s wrong. She also said this will either make us or break us but if it makes us she said were going to last a very long time.

I jokingly asked if she saw anymore kids for me in my future..she said she did..1 more and asked if I wanted to know the gender, she claimed a boy. Its funny I had a tarot reading done last year and they said I’d have one more but that it would be a girl. My fingers are crossed for that. 😉

So after all the silly psychic nonsense she channeled in spirits around me and picked up both on my mom and childs father. She pretty much described them to a T which was cool. She told me to watch for my mom in my dreams that she is the woman in white. With my sons father she described him as very protective over me and feels regret for the anger and temper he had with me. She then let me know that he talks to Noah and I can communicate to my sons dad that way by just listening to my son.

So do I believe any of this? Semi-sorta.

Was it a cool experience? Absolutely!

Are me and my boyfriend okay now? I still can’t answer that he’s still strong on thinking he’s right about letting his ex-wife have a key to our house and that its okay to be alone with her in our bedroom, so if he won’t budge best believe I won’t either.

-Blankk

(Feel free to comment any kind of questions I didn’t hit)

Jealousy

I try to control it but it’s so hard…

Jealousy

noun, plural jealousies for 4.
1.
jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another’s success or advantage itself.
2.
mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
3.
vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

It’s all in the mind..its about control…how long you can control is another story. Jealousy is an ugly trait and I know for one I have it. Simple, I think we all do at some point or another.

Why am I jealous is probably your next question as I sit here rambling on about the word…My trigger is simple, an ex wife.

She messaged me earlier saying she went ahead and grabbed my bracelet my initial thought was..how did she see it unless she was in our room..I never discussed it with him till tonight when he asked me was I sure I was actually babysitting tonight..? I told him for someone so doubtful I think i have more to worry about knowing his ex wife was in his bed room while he laid in bed.

“She was just in there to tell me the kids were there I was asleep and she was early” he argued.

“Right thats a lie and you know good and well she was in there longer than that” i said knowingly thinking back to the text.

“She sat across my bed in the red chair and talked to me for a minute babe it was nothing..”

Nothing? Why does he think thats ok for his ex wife to sit in our room while he sleeps naked in the f***ing bed? Am I being too jealous? Probably, thats why I am blogging. I didn’t want to keep fighting and I thought maybe seeing this written would make me see its not as big of a deal to let it go…

Ok, phew, I needed that now I am going to try this again with him only this time I will be more calm and try something along these lines “I don’t feel comfortable with your ex wife in our room especially without me present. You should of told her leave the room I will be right out, and never let that situation happen..” Here goes nothing.

His reply: “Well i think your being crazy and that i did nothing wrong at all i had shorts on i knew she was dropping the kids off so i always wear them in case and she came in and talked to me there isn’t anything wrong with that good lord”

Well, I tried. Now its a fight.

THANKS ALOT JEALOUSY…

Was I even the one in the wrong..i freaking tried here.

-Blankk

How I Lost my Mother.

I know the caption is rather quirky resembling ‘How I Met My Mother’ the tv show, and you probably are reading this expecting a more humorous post, however I am about to reflect on one of the most tragic events to ever occur in my life. By doing so I am hoping to open a door of relief for me by hearing strangers comments on this and maybe helping me finally..after 8 years move forward with my life.

This day is still drilled in my head I can remember even the slightest details, the smell in the air of spring approaching, the chill of the wind yet the sun made you just warm enough to only need a light jacket. It was March 31, 2007… We were sitting in a work meeting room, my mother and I worked together at a little daycare down the road from our trailer.

It was actually pretty fun we got to do crafts to get ideas for things to do in the classrooms at the daycare, my mother was sitting next to me working on the growth caterpillar. It was made of a stocking and you put soil in it and watered it and it made the caterpillar sprout leaves. I was coloring some magnets I remember my mom said she was feeling extremely cold so I carelessly took my Hollister jacket off and offered it to her. I small gesture that now plays a role on that jacket to this day.

We were leaving to head home, we had plans for the day, Mom and I, we were going to go shopping at Kohl’s (a Saturday ritual once or twice a month). I was excited, I had a trip with the school choir to New York coming up and mom was going to help me pick out some new out fits for this trip. Mom was driving with one hand on the wheel the other holding her head as we pulled up to our little home.

“I’m going to lay down for about an hour, I’m not feeling so good my head hurts” she had said…those were the last words I will ever remember my mom saying…and they were to me. I shook my head and went to the computer room to play some videos games or AIM some friends (the cool thing around that time).

About 25 minutes went by when I heard my mother walking down the hallway it was weird though it was like she was bumping into the walls..I didn’t think too much of it and continued with the task at hand, beating a level to boost my stats. Then I heard her again this time heading back down the hall doing the exact same thing.. this was weird was my thought..what is she doing. I should have asked her..I SHOULD OF SAID ANYTHING AT THAT MOMENT… I didn’t though.. I didn’t even come out of the room…

5 minutes later that’s when I heard it…A loud crash..it scared me..this time I peaked out of my room very curious what on earth she was doing, and there she was, laying by the coffee table doing something totally weird. I was very sheltered my mom didn’t even let me have a boyfriend till that very year I mean the woman still picked out my clothes every morning and did my hair she never prepared me for this?!

She lay on the floor banging her head, making crackling noises from her mouth it reminded me of the Grudge, scared in shock I just stood there and that’s when a voice in my head I can still to this day hear clear as ever instructing me “Leave don’t look at me like this, go in your room, go outside, please don’t see me like this” it sounded dead up like my mother but it wasn’t her because she was there, and this voice was in my head. Still in shock I ran to my room grabbed my camera and ran outside as the voice had told me to. I was scared. Then I heard it again “Kaelin, can you live without me, I need you to be strong because I have to leave” thinking to myself what does that even me I shook my head hesitant.. How could I live without a mom, I was only 15.. I hadn’t even gone to prom, learned to drive, graduated, gone to college, got married, had kids. You need a mom there for you for these things. “It will be hard, but you stay strong, I need to know you can do it without me” the voice kept saying..Finally I agreed and went inside.

Calling my grandmother first who rushed over in a good 5 minutes tops with my aunt they called 911 and I guess maybe they had hope she would be ok.. I knew long before anyone my mom wasn’t going to wake up, she wasn’t coming back, we weren’t going to go shopping today, and she was not waking up in an hour..

I told my aunt and grandma I didn’t want to accompany them to the hospital that I would goto my friends for the day, they were hesitant to let me stay knowing I should be with mom but had no time to argue after one last quick “are you sure” I was left alone in the trailer without my mom. I stared at that spot for a good 15 minutes before calling Stephanie to have her parents come get me…That spot still haunts me. The image is still so vivid it hurts.

Once at my friend’s house we went outside to take our mind off the matter and decided to be childish and draw on the side-walk with chalk. I wrote in small letters RIP mom and Stephanie freaked out “Why are you writing that your mom is going to be fine, that’s depressing stop!” I wanted to tell her she was so wrong that fine was so far from the vocabulary to describe my mother at this moment but I rolled my eyes.. Then my friends mother came outside and said my family keeps calling and its very serious and I should go be with my mom. I dreaded that because I knew that they were going to call I wish they understood I didn’t want to remember my mother this way but I had to do what I was asked so I left.

They rushed me to that hospital with the emergency lights on, looking out the window I watched everything rush by..rushing..rushing for what nothing was going to change this. I remember stepping into the hospital horrified to even have to see my mother lifeless on a hospital bed…but I had to..They gave me no choice.

“Kaelin, your moms chances of living are very slim, she’s had a brain aneurysm erupt..theres nothing more they are able to do for her at this point” said my aunt her words went right through me, could I have done something more to prevent this? Could I have called sooner? I could have called when she was bumping the wall.. “They said that her fall probably caused the aneurysm to erupt” my aunt continued.. That stuck to me hard…

I knew something hadn’t been right, I waited and didn’t go ask her what was wrong..

Several hours had passed, it was late, 3 am maybe, April 1st…April fools day. “Kaelin what are we going to do without your mother” my dad cried to me. Was he really asking me this, a 15-year-old girl?! How the heck did I know, I mean I’m the one losing my only mother?? My dad crying in front of me made the guilt so much heavier, why couldn’t he have been the one to see her last, to make the decisions. Where the hell was he anyways when she was dying. Anger began to rage inside me only for a minute, then it passed as I realized maybe the doctors were right, there really was nothing any of us could do.

I remember heading home, exhausted, drained, empty. I decided to try to write about it on paper, so I jotted down a story similar to this in my diary about the guilt I felt and hurt and pain I was experiencing. It helped for the time being but then it was time to get things together and prepare for a funeral of my mother…

I won’t continue with the details of the wake/funeral as those are more insignificant as the next part of the story…

A couple of weeks had passed, the pain was setting in, nothing was really “going back to normal” nor did I think there would ever be a “normal” again not for me at least. Boy was I right.

My father on a drunk rage one night slammed my door open to my room and began cursing at me, confused I yelled back to “get the heck out I needed my privacy” that’s when the words rolled out of his mouth.

“Privacy!? You got your privacy when you left your mother for dead on the floor and just went outside. You cared that much that you left your own mom to die! Your worthless, you didn’t even love her! You just sat there and watched her die and made jokes about it, is it funny now?!” His words…his words were like a sword going through my heart and turning it so many times I could feel every turn and with each turn it took another piece of my body. How could he say that, how could he even of possibly known….

“You read my diary! How could you! That’s personal and priv-”

“Private, ya you knew all about that! I should have been there I at least would have called 911, not watched her die. You careless little B****” and with that he slammed the door knocking my pictures on the wall to the floor. It was my fault? I didn’t love her? I didn’t care? Was this true..I did what I thought I was supposed to.. how could I have known. I was scared, where was he..?

This wasn’t the first incident like this..there were many more that came.. several nights that had got so bad I would try to take off running. One of the nights, the worst I can remember, scared for my life I ran to my neighbors (very old couple) banging on the door frantically I didn’t know where else to turn.. Then he came and grabbed me by my hair yanking me back pulling so hard I couldn’t walk. He dragged me by my hair to the trailer, my feet were bloody my knees were all bloody, my grandma came to my rescue that night.

I wish I could say I finally believe it actually wasn’t my fault but sometimes I still get this doubt that…maybe my fathers drunken words were right..

Maybe I did let my mother die….

But for now,

That is How I Lost my Mother.

-Blankk

Theres no safer place for my thoughts other than my head..

Blogging…

Some of us use it for a personal escape to share our most secret thoughts. Some of us use it to boost our self-esteem and get other people’s opinions on everyday situations. I can vouch for this, I made my blog because I felt like I wanted to be able to write my inner thoughts to help relieve some stress, secrets, and things I wouldn’t say out loud! We all have these thoughts..even if we don’t mean some of them it’s totally normal.

My boyfriend once told me he had a thought that “it would be easier to be with my ex-wife than to have this relation simply because we have kids” this is a thought that does not need to be shared and should really just of been kept to himself, or blogged, or whatever he needed to do. Don’t share them with the one person who would be affected most by a thought like this though.

This is why I wanted to blog, but even here my deepest secrets such as ones like above can’t be safe because you want to pry so deeply into what I am thinking I can’t even have this kind of space. I know you’ve somehow found this blog and may be reading this as we speak..I hope you feel like the jerk you are currently making yourself out to be, because now your no better than my father reading my diary at 18, and kicking me out in a drunk rage one night because he didn’t like what he read. I needed this place to get away from everyday life and relieve some of the thoughts that just need to be released rather than shared.

We all have thoughts.. we all have secrets.. None of mine are so great that you should worry, however some of my thoughts could hurt you such as the one you shared with me.. It still leaves a pretty sore sport in my heart in case your wondering. I don’t want to hurt you, so my suggestion is that after reading this..you stop.. not just for my privacy, but also for your sake. Let me have this little escape. That is not asking much, and these people who read this..they don’t know me or anything other than my writing you have no reason to worry.

PS if you really are reading this..sorry about rear ending that car today in your car -_- Maybe you’ll realize just how sorry I am if you see I even made it “public” on my blog..

-Blankk

It was only just a dream..I think..

Have you ever had a weird dream where you don’t know if you’re dreaming or really living out whats happening. What do you do when you have a nightmare but you can’t differentiate the nightmare from reality.

I’m not big on the whole “ghost are real” theory however..theres something out there. And after my experience with this dream I really don’t know anymore..

It was late at night, I knew that much I should have been sleeping, wasn’t I sleeping? Confusion set in. I wasn’t where I was supposed to be and something was not right. My son was asleep in his bed, that much was clear I could see him but whats even more strange is I could see me..sleeping..and I was across the room staring at myself. I wanted to wake up if I was dreaming but it didn’t feel like a dream I mean literally I was watching myself sleep.

I remember trying to open my mouth to scream to wake myself or something this just was not right. It couldn’t be real.. Still looking at myself I turned to the other corner.. and that’s when I saw it.. It being something I can’t even explain to you. There are not words for what I was looking at.. Black, it was a figure but no appearances that I could make out other than hollow eyes…and it was staring straight at my son.

At that moment I wanted this to be a dream and I wanted to wake up right now. I couldn’t move and I was getting more and more scared and that’s when I woke up.

I opened my eyes and there it was…a black figure was beside my bed. I know I was awake at this point it’s too vivid to have been a dream. Scared to death I closed my eyes began praying when I reopened my eyes that shadow would be gone.. Hesitant I opened my eyes and nothing was there.

I got no sleep. I’ve yawned all day. Still I don’t know what was real and what was just a dream. Is this normal? Has this happen to other people? It scares me to even fall asleep now..

Feeling jumpy…

-Blankk